Empty Nest, Full Heart, Lost Connections

Therapy is great. I went to therapy again today. I ponder the same thoughts over and over again. My therapist tells me that this is normal. Especially for parents with estranged adult kids. We question every moment of their childhood. Over and over again.

There are so many things that I do not understand.

I don’t understand how a son can say that he is NOT angry with his mother and father but blocks them from every form of communication. How is it NOT anger that causes a son to cut off his parents in such a way!? Normal people don’t cut off people with whom they are not angry.

I don’t understand how he, his wife and their kids could live with us for 4 months and then turn around and treat us like shit by cutting us out of their lives. I will never be able to wrap my head around this. How can they use us like this? I call it using because it seems so cold and calculated. They moved in when they needed a home, knowing what was to come. As soon as they moved out it was radio silence.

Today, I discussed my inability to stop thinking about what I could do to fix this. The truth is that I can’t do anything. They won’t speak to us. How can we fix ANYTHING if they won’t speak to us!? We can’t. They won’t text, speak on the phone or meet in person.

They supposedly love us but have to protect their mental health. Really? They didn’t have to protect their mental health when they needed a place to live. You don’t stop communicating with people you love. I’m guessing that as time goes on, they will blame us for not continuing to reach out to them. They will turn it around, forgetting that he sent the texts ending our relationship. I can see this coming from mile away.

I think that’s what hurts my heart so much. My son doesn’t love me. My son hates me. His actions speak louder than words. I know he is angry because he has cut all communication. If he truly loved me and wasn’t angry, he could handle our once every 4-5 week texts!

They can say they love us and aren’t mad all they want……. But that is simply NOT true. It’s such a weird place to be. Their words don’t fit their actions. I don’t treat people I love this way. I don’t treat people I’m not angry with this way. It’s just not normal.

We are not alone. Every single day I hear from people who are in our shoes. Good, decent parents who have been abandoned by their adult children for stupid reasons. Funny enough, the son who lives with us reminded me of a friend with whom the other son didn’t speak to for years. He was mad at the boy for a dumb reason and finally started speaking to him again.

Which leads me to my next thought. These estranged adults are miserable people. They are always angry with someone. I cannot imagine always being angry!

Tonight, I told my husband that life is too short to be angry all the time. It takes too much energy. Don’t get angry with your estranged child in return. It is too draining and life is too short. Go out and build a life you are proud of. Don’t waste time with anger.

We are living our best life, getting ready for retirement. We are enjoying our adventures. If our grands ever reach out to us, we will have a great time getting to know them. We will have a life full of adventure to share with them.

Therapy has helped me to get to a place where I can live with this loss and hope for a future with my grands one day.

~Evelyn