Empty Nest, Full Heart, Lost Connections

When my oldest was a baby, I resigned my commission in the military. I knew there was no way that I could go off to war and leave my children, so I resigned my commission. I was a stay at home mom for 24 years before entering the workforce again. I loved being a mother! Truth be told, I STILL love being a mother. It is very different being a mother to adult children. I happily gave up my military career to stay at home and raise my children. From the time I was a small girl all I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. I thought all of my dreams had come true after marriage brought 3 boys into my life. How much I loved being married and raising kids.

When my boys were little, life was good and I had so much fun raising them. When they were growing up, I tried to be the best mother I could be. We often went to the park and had play dates with neighbors. I LOVED doing crafts with them. I took them to the library, the YMCA for swimming and sports, and we went on small hikes. As they got older, I was the den mother for cub scouts and the taxi for basketball, baseball and football. I love watching all of their games. We had a brief season of playing soccer.

Once they were teenagers, their friends came to our house to hang out. I would make vats of food to feed them all. Many nights our sofas were full with their friends. I took carloads of kids to games, parks and zoos. Goodness, some of the things I heard. Boys are funny and often forgot that MOM was driving the car. I would raise my hand, wave and exclaim, “Mom is in the car!” What joy it was.

I always thought it was a good sign that the boys had their friends over a lot. Not that I was a perfect mother by any stretch of the imagination, but we did have a fun and loving household. My oldest started a group for teens and I would drive he and his friends to the meeting spot — until he got his license and was able to drive himself along with his friends.

Fast forward to current day…….I’m a happy wife with a beautiful life despite being estranged from my oldest, his wife and their children. Life goes on and I’ve got to live it. I am thankful for my blessings and thankful for my other son who is a daily part of my life. It doesn’t make up for not being a part of my grandchildren’s lives, but I refuse to wallow in self pity.

It can be hard to deal with estrangement, no doubt. Holidays and birthdays are the hardest for me. I remind myself that everyone has loss and deals with grief. Loss and grief come in different forms. People lose parents, siblings, children and friends to death or other forms of loss. No one is immune. It’s a pet of life, but it doesn’t have to destroy you. You can still live a happy, fulfilled life.

I have been spending the last few years making myself remember the good times. For the last year, I made myself check memories on social media daily so that I can remember that life really was good. Not perfect, but there was love and laughter. This practice for a year reminded me that my memories are true. Life was (and is) good. I’ve done the best I can and I was a good mother. I am a good wife. I have many imperfections, but was not abusive. It hurts when they change the narrative.  💔

One thing that definitely hurts is that I gave up a military career and a career in my degree field to stay home and raise my children and now one of them has cut me out of his life completely as an adult. I wrote a letter and have sent many texts asking for forgiveness. It was denied to me. I have done my part and can only wait for him to have a change of heart. Even knowing what I know now, I would still give it all up to raise my children. They were my whole life while I was raising them. Once they become adults, dynamics change. Adult relationships are different and we can only hope they continue to want us as part of their lives. Ultimately, we have no say in the latter.

Waiting in hope doesn’t mean giving up on happiness.. I’m living life and loving it. I have a great job and am lucky that my husband and I enjoy spending time together — especially on the weekends. If you found this blog and are dealing with estrangement, I want to tell you that it is okay to be sad about the loss, but you cannot control another person’s behavior. Say your part, do what you can to reconcile. If reconciliation is off the table for your child, then you need to go live life! Wait in hopeful peace and don’t stop living!

Ramblingly yours,

~Evelyn