Empty Nest, Full Heart, Lost Connections

Happy birthday to my estranged son!

When I think of all the birthdays past, it makes me smile. Last year, we still sent gifts for their birthdays. We didn’t hear that they were received or even if they liked what was sent. Since it was the second year in a row where this happened, we went into 2026 differently. If they want no contact, then we will give them what they want. It is so hard to carry out! My heart wants so much to let my son know that I love him and to wish him a happy birthday.

Instead, I remember that day long ago when I gave birth to my oldest and reflect on the wonderful, cherished memories of his childhood. I often tell people that raising my kids was my chance to have the childhood I never had! I had so much fun planning daily activities and crafts. I loved taking the boys on hikes and to museums. I absolutely LOVED being a stay at home mom. Being a wife and mother had been my dream since I was a little girl. I was literally living my dream.

I loved craft projects and used this love to plan themed birthdays etc and every year. I would have crafts stations for the children to make items — based on the party theme. One year, we did a cowboys and Indians themed party. It was classic, in my opinion. I had so much planning this party.

We put up a teepee. We had a station where kids could either make an Indian hat with a feather or a “leather” cowboy vest. Once all the attendees were dressed, we had face painting stations where they could get their faces painted. We picked flowers and leaves. From these items, we made homemade paints for the kids to paint their cowhides. The “leather” for the cowboy vests and the cowhides was simply crumbled paper bags that we antiqued with tea stain.

The kids had a blast! All three of my boys had some really fun parties for their birthdays. I absolutely LOVED to create fun birthdays for the boys. When it was one of their birthdays, they woke up with the birthday banner hanging in the kitchen and a special breakfast. My youngest once asked, “Mommy, when I’m grown up and have my own kids, can I have the birthday banner to use for their birthdays?” It made my heart smile hearing that.

Since I am the one who gave birth to my oldest, I started a new tradition this year. Since he wants nothing to do with us and I was feeling down about this day approaching, I bought MYSELF a gift for his birthday. It was strangely helpful.

If you are in this situation with one of your children, what do you do to make their birthdays special for yourself? Spending this day remembering the joy his birth brought to our lives and remembering all of the wonderful birthday traditions we had with him over the years has helped me to heal..

I am not sure how we came to have different memories than our son. My memories are one of a beautiful life full of laughter and love. Sure we had the usual tantrums when he hit the age of two. The grumbling about having to do chores as a teen, but I never in a million years thought there was anything abnormal about our lives. Far from perfect parents, we were not abusive.

Last, as we approach St. Patrick’s Day, memories of the crafts we made with the grandchildren many years ago popped up today. I came up with a cute shamrock craft for the grandkids and they had fun making them! I am so glad that I took photos. Little did I know on that day that my grands would be soon removed from our lives permanently.

The pictures remind me that I was once good enough to hang out with my grandkids, babysit and to do crafts. Something changed in them– NOT me. Cling to your memories, fellow estranged parents.

~Evelyn