Empty Nest, Full Heart, Lost Connections

I’m not an expert on how estrangement unfolds in other families, but I’ve observed some patterns that seem to resonate with many parents I’ve encountered. One notable pattern is that estranged children often channel their anger in different directions. For instance, they might be upset with you one day and then turn their ire on someone else the next. If you’re patient, you’ll likely see them come back into your good graces. While we are currently on the receiving end and unsure if our son and his wife will ever reconcile, past behavior suggests they might.

This commonality has been a recurring theme in the support groups I’ve participated in. The estranged child often struggles with anger issues, not just towards the estranged parent(s), but other people, too. This is a topic I’ve discussed with friends quite a bit. Even my son, who still lives with us, frequently points out, “You know, they’ll eventually come back around. They just switch who they’re upset with.”

In the decade prior to the estrangement, my husband and I noticed that, as a couple, they were always angry with some member or members of the family. Her parents, his brother, her siblings, an aunt, an uncle, or cousin, and us. It rotated around and around for a decade before we were cut off for good. Usually, the time period was a month or two, a short amount of time that one might not notice if it were a friend or acquaintance.

There were never any arguments with us; instead, there were times of silence that we assumed were the same bouts they spoke of regarding other family members who were on the outs. When they visited and later lived with us, they complained about every family member, including the son living with us. I guess you could say they are very negative about others, always pointing out their flaws and perceived sinfulness. 

They are deeply religious and tend to judge others harshly. We listened and let their words go. We always assumed they might be speaking of us when visiting other family members. As a parent, I’ve always tried to stay out of their business as they are adults. When they lived with us, I lived and let live, keeping my mouth shut. 

I have no say in how they raise my grandchildren. They are not my children; they are theirs, and I have no say in their upbringing. They use gentle parenting, so their children don’t have a bedtime or much discipline. When they lived with us, it was the longest four months of my life. My husband felt the same way about the living arrangement. When the kids threw tantrums, we ignored them. When they watched TV until late at night, we retired to our room to unwind from our workdays. When they ran circles around the house while screaming at the top of their lungs, we said nothing. We thought we were being good parents/grandparents by letting them raise their children as they saw fit. 

We tried hard to keep the peace, and we never had any arguments with either of them. As far as my husband and I know, they moved into their new house without being angry with us. Shortly after they moved out, they stopped replying to text messages and refused to let us visit their house. We would ask to visit, but there was always an excuse. At one point, we asked if we could just drop gifts off on their front porch, but they said no.

From then on, we tried to reach out once a month or so. They wouldn’t even meet us for a playdate at a local park. Finally, we asked why they were angry with us and they said they weren’t. Why the silence when they always have their phones in their hands or close by? It was perplexing. When we pushed to see the grandchildren, it blew up, and they told us we were being blocked with no real explanation as to why. 

They are not interested in reconciliation even though we sent a heartfelt letter. They didn’t respond. For the next two years, we continued to send cards and gifts without a reply. We finally realized that it was better for our mental health if we stopped sending cards and gifts. In 2026, we went no contact in return. Many parents in the support groups had reported that their mental health greatly improved once they stopped reaching out to their estranged child(ren). My husband is better at coping with the estrangement than I am, thus after hearing this from so many parents, we decided it would be best for us to stop sending gifts and cards. 

It still hurts knowing that the son we raised has no love for us. 

~Evelyn