Empty Nest, Full Heart, Lost Connections

I read a blog post from 2020: The Mother Side of the Coin. She’s a mom and a family therapist. She is also an estranged mother. She writes what so many of us feel after raising our kids in loving homes.

A quote that hits home for me: “In my story, I had to learn that my children’s alienation from me could never be commensurate with any mistake I ever made with them. I had to learn about the retrospective guilt that every parent can feel when evaluating our history of parenting our children. I had to learn that who I am is not defined by my children’s alienation.”

Absolutely! You are not less of a person because you are estranged from your child(ren).

She goes on to write: “It has been nine years. I don’t know where my children live. I no longer try to call or send a text or write an email to which I never get a reply. The absolute silence that has existed, after my divorce from a marriage of 25 years, has been deafening.

I have compassion for my children. I believe we are living in an era of nonchalance and it is their era, informed by the commonality of ghosting and social media abuse. Today, there are more adult estrangement articles that support the child’s right to sever their relationship with their parent even when the parent exerts effort at reconciliation.”

^^^^^This. So many of the parents in the support groups I frequent have tried to reconcile. They have admitted they were not perfect, but they are not abusers. They have reached out to no avail. I did the same thing — reached out until I was made a fool. Sadly, it took me a few years to learn. We haven’t even met our youngest grandchild. My husband has been no contact since it started, but the mother side of the coin is that we moms are more emotional and want the connection with our children we carried in our wombs for 9 months and raised. It is gut wrenching for a mother.

Her blog is full of references and I highly suggest that anyone going through estrangement.

Done with the Crying is another blog I like, too. Sheri has some posts that I have found to be helpful. Renew Your Inner Garden is a good one to read when you find yourself ruminating and going in circles. The mental loops can be exhausting. She’s also written a book called Rumination Remedies, a workbook to help stop the looped thought patterns. I have the link for this workbook on my resources page. You’ll find her blog helpful and full of great resources.

Sadly, we are not alone. I, for one, am very glad that there are others who so openly and willingly share their stories.

~Evelyn