Empty Nest, Full Heart, Lost Connections

It’s okay to be pissed off with your adult estranged children. I was a good mom. I was far from perfect, but I was not abusive. NEWS FLASH: there are no perfect parents. Unless you are referring to Mary and Joseph, of course. When you do the best you can and are not abusive to your children and they turn on you, it is okay to be pissed off.

I admit that I struggle with this concept. I love my boys, but the hurt of my oldest cutting us out of his life pissed me off. Especially for such stupid reasons. Annoying? Like he wasn’t an annoying little shit sometimes! But we still loved him, raised him and didn’t drop him off at an orphanage. And now 32 years later he and his wife have cut us out of their lives and won’t let us see the grandkids. They refused to have a civil conversation. Until the very end, they would only send vile, hateful, and lecturing texts.

It was our fault for allowing them to lecture us. We did ignore their attitude in an attempt to keep the peace. We love our son, h8s wife and their kids. When they lived with us, we kept our mouths shut about their parenting style as it was not our place. We put up with a lot while they were in the house. Let’s just say there were things tat were destroyed and we stayed silent.

I’m here to tell other parents in this situation that it is okay to be pissed off. We were used over and over again and then dropped like hot potatoes. We were good enough when they needed a place to live rent free. We were good enough to babysit when they needed to go looking for houses or out to eat. Then, when they moved out a few years ago — they stopped talking to us. Any questions about being able to see the grandkids was met with venom. It was very obvious that we were being cut off.

They refused to come visit. Always an excuse when we invited them for dinner. Always an excuse when we invited them just to visit for a bit. They stopped inviting us over. For a few months, they allowed us to meet at a park to play with the kids. Then, that stopped. When we enquired, we were told nothing was wrong. They were not mad. Then, after only seeing the grandkids once in 6 months we asked why they were mad. All hell broke loose! We were accused of self fulfilling prophesy. It was hard not to send a text back with a laughing emoji. What the actual FUCK!?

Follow the timeline. They lived with us, mooched off of us, paid no rent. Did not buy laundry detergent or dish washing detergent. Life was fine and they were happy to be in the house using free AC and heat. We had fun doing crafts with the kids. We had fun playing board games and movie nights. When they moved out, it went cold.

We didn’t text daily or even weekly. We tried to respect their boundaries. We asked ourselves, “Is it terrible that we would like to meet the grandkids once a month or so for an hour at a local park?” “Why can’t we even drop gifts off on their porch?” We questioned what we had done to make this happen. We were not abusive to our own children and were never abusive to the grandkids.

Out of nowhere a list of traumas came to light. We bothered them too much. They had their own lives to live and had not yet even visited the people in town they knew before moving back home. We were horrible for wanting to be part of their lives. We were annoying. And they didn’t like my social media use. And this is where I screamed, “What the actual fuck!?”

My daughter in law sells things on social media and now has over 40K followers. She posts very strange videos where you can see the children in the background, but here she was criticizing MY social media use. And to be clear, I don’t give two shits what she does online. Or anyone else for that matter. BUT if you are going to come after me for MY social media, I’ll point out the pot calling the kettle black.

Both of our kids claim to hate social media. She only uses it to make income for the family. Which causes me to laugh. Seriously. Who gives a fuck what you use social media for. You do you, boo. But don’t you DARE judge me for my social media use. Go fuck yourself. Yes, I am that pissed off. I had never even cared about her social media use. Always on the phone when we visited or met them at the park.

A few years ago, prior to the great black out, we were blocked on social media. I suspect because she knew that she was being a hypocrite and did not want us to see the utter bullshit she posts online. It makes my social media look tame. If her followers knew how she treated her parents (n-laws), they might not purchase her religious line of products.

If you have estranged adult children who used you before throwing you away, it is okay to be pissed off. No one should use another human being and toss them once their usefulness is no longer. It is SICK. No one deserves to be abused this way!

The hurt is deep. My therapist once told me that anger is a secondary emotion that usually arises from being hurt. It’s true. I have been devastated to the point of depression. When the sadness gives way now and then, it turns to anger. When I realize how we were good enough when they needed us and then they tossed us, I get SO angry. If we tossed them like they tossed us, you know they would be pissed and the horrid things they have aid to us would be a million times more hateful.

Don’t be ashamed because you are pissed. It is a normal emotion when you spent your life raising a child into a human being who disregards your worth and treats you like shit.

~Evelyn